Wilderness Woman 2012

Last weekend I was fortunate enough to travel with friends to Talkeetna, Alaska for a long-standing tradition: the Bachelor Ball. For 32 years now, the Bachelor Society of Talkeetna (a town 114 miles north of Anchorage best known as the starting place for climbers attempting to summit Denali) has been auctioning off its finest dudes to raise money for programs benefiting women and children. At some point they added a Wilderness Woman competition, and this is where my story begins.

When my friend Taylor invited me along for the weekend, she mentioned a crazy contest that is generally dominated by local Amazonesque ladies who appear out of nowhere in Carhartt coveralls and sweep the competition. It sounded fun and ridiculous – I was sold. In my mother’s fuschia snowsuit and my lucky beaver hat, I paid my $5 entry and lined up with the rest of the town to watch the first heat.

The competition is meant to see who has what it takes to live off the land and keep their man happy in hopes of bagging one of the bachelors. It consisted of three rounds:

1. Running down main street with empty buckets, then “getting water from the creek” (picking up full ones) and running back without spilling any. This was done three women at a time and there were 52 participants this year. I was #43, so I had plenty of time to watch & get nervous. When it was finally my turn, I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me and was shocked to see the other two ladies in my heat wasting me down the street! I managed to overtake one on the way back with buckets, but the other woman beat me by 4 seconds. Unfortunately for her, she spilled too much water and got a deduction. At the end of the races, they gave us 30 minutes while they tallied the times before they announced the top five  – four other girls, and me!! I was in first place! I was warming up at the time but news traveled quickly (thanks Krystal & Megan!) so I ran back just in time for round two.
2. This wave was more complex. First we ran to a table, made a sandwich consisting of 2 slices of bread, meat, cheese and mustard, and opened a beer for our bachelor; we could throw it at him as we ran to the next event (dousing him with said beer was encouraged as he was wearing a full dry suit, and most of the sandwiches went to the dogs that were hanging around). From there we had to saw off a piece of wood, then load a sled with 5 logs. The sled was attached to a snowmachine that we had to drive around town square to a fire pit, into which we had to empty the logs. I went last (top time from heat 1!) and followed the other 4’s example by not wearing gloves (the faster to make  our sammie, my dear!) and finished with ice blocks where my hands once were. I used these frozen bricks to high five everyone I could reach at the end, because why not?? We were momentary celebrities and I was taking full advantage. Then they called the top three finishers – someone else, someone else, and me!! I won the heat and was into the finals!
3. This one’s a longie. Pick up a backpack, run to a line, get a fishing pole and catch a velcro-covered styrofoam fish with a velcro-covered tennis ball, put it in the backpack, run to snowshoes, put them on, run to the “ptarmigan” field and shoot a bird (balloon) with a bb gun, run to a ladder, remove snowshoes, climb ladder and ring bell, climb down, pick up backpack and snowshoes, get a paintball gun and shoot a “moose” (dude in a moose costume) and run across the finish line. Rachel, Khalial and I agreed that it would all come down to the fishing, which kinda boiled down to luck (the guy who organized the whole thing had to try about 4 times when he was demonstrating the course before he caught one. Just saying.).
   While Rachel started (she had a little trouble with the fish, I noticed), K and I were interviewed by the local radio station. A bit later, the father and son I met at breakfast (family-style seating at the Roadhouse) came by to wish me luck. Our celebrity status was growing! Khalial went next and bagged a styrofish on her first cast – what a b$%#@! I was again the last to compete, and before I did the announcer asked if I had anything to say. I said the spirit of the beaver was with me and I was feeling good! The crowd laughed. They cheered. They all started chanting “Beaver! Beaver! Beaver!” It was more than I could have ever dreamed of! And so I began, and as I cast for the fifth, sixth, seventh time, I saw my new-found dream of winning the title of Wilderness Woman crushed before my eyes. But I hung in there! That stupid fish fell out of my backpack constantly and one of my snowshoes came off halfway across the field, but after destroying that moose (and my fish having again escaped the backpack) I rode that salmon all the way across the finish line on a wave of glory. What fun!!

After the competition, Channel 11 interviewed me, and I was invited to the stage with Rachel and Khalial at the Bachelor Ball that evening. I had fallen from first to third, but when I put on my beaver hat onstage to accept my prize of nothing, the crowd went wild.

Thank you Talkeetna!! (and of course my amazing support crew)

Find more press here:
http://www.adn.com/2012/12/04/2712889/outsiders-including-a-virginian.html
http://www.alaskadispatch.com/article/alaska-wilderness-women-shamed-lawyer-east-coast#.UL5R_ySPH7o.email